What pushes another man to bully another man should be the biggest question. Why have i been through so many ‘systems’ that fail to accommodate my depression and anxiety. These foul beasts at the top clearly don’t have depression otherwise it would be a bigger issue. I was told by my mother that I shouldn’t mention my mental health, it will stop me from getting jobs, people think differently of you… Well she was right. My honest is my forte. My death sentence as it stands. My prison sentence as it is. I think that most of the time the people your asking to help, never have the answers. Never have the help. I get pushed from one person to another, from one organisation to another.

Is depression looked upon like witches in medieval europe, or aids in the modern world. Why do people look at me like i’m strange, odd, abnormal. What is so confusing is why won’t nobody help me? I see these headlines in the newspapers and media programs that because of recent celebrities having suicidal deaths.. it’s bringing to the attention of depression. A word that has haunted my life for years. A word that i seize to exist. Why couldn’t mental health problems be an advantage to a human. After all most of the best genius’s in the world did suffer from depression, including Albert Einstein and of course, mrs Doubtfire – aka Robin Williams. A great actor i fucking loved, mrs doubtfire is still one of the greatest films i’ve watched, so heart warming, so family loving, and yet so deep and dark.

Robin’s life was taken due to depression, and the saying money makes you happy clearly isn’t true, this man was wealthy. I can never push myself to suicide, i’m a coward. I’ve been prevented a few times, which could be why i’m sat here typing this shit instead of been dust in the air, or buried in a wooden box 6ft under. Who knows. Maybe a bus will hit me tomorrow, hopefully.

I don’t have money, i don’t have many friends either, I don’t have good grades and no work to show at all for this year at university. I don’t have no hope in my life, no hope to wake up tomorrow. I lock myself away to a world of self-loathing and anger. Yet my family think I over-react. I must be a fucking good actor to have played this role for around 10 years. Maybe I should take up acting after all, smokey did say

But don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I’m sad, oh sadder than sad
You’re gone and I’m hurting so bad
Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there’s some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
the tears of a clown
When there’s no one around