I am currently serving a 12 month probation sentence with 120 hour of community service. However, I have been getting counselling for depression and anxiety since i was about 12-13. I’m nearly 23. I’ve seen dozens of councillors, private psychologist  (i think it’s called…) and i see a councillor at university.

Mental health has always been a big part of my life. I don’t think that i’ve had a year where i haven’t been depressed and suicide experiences. Many reason behind this.. mostly, it was because of bullying. It gave me a real sense of what a dick i am in public and i get bullied for it. This hasn’t changed. I am a very honest person, I like to think myself a person with good morals. I am from a background of racism, patriotism, living in a bubble of materialism and manipulative media. I broke away from my home city and moved to London, it seems like I was running away from my life in Bradford. Moving to london made me realise these things… made me change. But depression and anxiety hasn’t.

On this probation they give me a ‘re-offending’ percentage.. which was 68% how they worked this out, they said was by my past history, my relationship with drugs and alcohol, the people i hang out, the things i do etc.. So like i said, i’m an honest person, so throughout all of these years i have become more and more open about telling people my feelings and emotions, probably a good reason for me to take an interest in debate, politics etc. So I tell my probation officer everything, things that my friends tell me i shouldn’t tell her. But i do, in order for this system to help me, and for me to be a successful candidate in this system they have to know as much about me as possible. Because i tell her I go to protests, I’m against capitalism, i’m atheist, i hang around with people from rough background, i go to art school with people who experiment with drugs, it almost seems the norm to be taking drugs… my background in Yorkshire is the norm to be a heavy drinker… so my relationship with drugs and booze as you can imagine are pretty intense.

I’ve been a few times now, 4 to be exact. that’s 5 week’s since my sentencing. I’ve been honest and begged the probation officer for help, and my next appointment I will only just be getting started with actual help. The sessions with the officer don’t take long, and normally just filling out forms. not actually doing productive things towards my mental and physical rehabilitation. Which i thought the whole point in a Justice system, is that people who offend, are rehabilitated/re-educated into reality and society. But clearly the British Government look down on their own people to much, and put me at a high risk rate for re-offending. Yet i protest against austerity, government surveillance, wars overseas and much more. I choose to do this because I feel i’m becoming a better person. Yet my government shut me down at every angle. Negativity and pointless travelling to the other side of my county for 30 minutes of form filling. I argued with my probation officer that it should be right that I get travel expenses, and so I do, costing the government £10-20 a week. Due to the closure of local probation offices which are now county offices and a real ball-ache to get to.

Yet I beg for help from my doctors, who prescribed me with ‘Happy pills’ and when i told of the massive side effects it is having, he told me to double my dose. And I am trying to get out of the habit of drugs, yet being fed more. What drug is reality? nobody has ever given me that.  Not yet. Maybe a drug for happiness and love. These only seem to nearly kill me. So I quit, didn’t want another Michael Jackson situation, just because my local doctor couldn’t give a fuck about me. I also paid £25 for a letter from the doctor recently to prove to the court and DSA (disabled student allowance) as I am eligible for it. The doctor said I had been to visit him once, on the matter of depression. THAT’S FUCKING IT! He didn’t look at my medical records like I asked, he just wrote some bullshit letter so now my application for the loan is pro-longed another few month. I’m poor as fuck and the government just rinse me dry. Tax is the last thing on my mind. It’s health and transport, food living in a conservative area is bullshit, my student union rob me blind!! £2.30 for a bottle of water and chocolate bar. RIDICULOUS.
These are all big implications of why I get depressed, and turning to drugs and alcohol has always been my forte.. for as long as I can remember, i’ve abused the fuck outta them. I don’t smoke 1 joint to get high.. I smoke the whole bag. Even by myself. Just for the reason of being high, but it’s a constant high i’m just topping up. Our society is built around drinking, and since the ‘war on drugs’ started back in the 1960’s drugs are fucking everywhere. And so i’m plunged back into this rhetorical bullshit circle of going back to drugs and alcohol to de-stress, relax, enjoy, socialise, eat, sleep, and every other moment of the day.

I’m extremely proud of myself for doing all this, whilst progressing at college and now university.. but my ex-girlfriend said something to me today, as I missed my probation because i was steaming drunk in Brixton, London. She said, my luck will run out, I need to change now, before it’s to late.

So either I’ll get imprisoned, kicked outta uni and left to be some prisoners bitch and thrown back to the shithole of society probably living on the streets when i come out, or i’ll die of an over-dose, become an alcoholic.. like i haven’t already been through that stage…. My fight for happiness is not just a fight against my own mentality and actions, but against my surroundings, my useless government, a failing system, a never ending ‘war on drugs’, a justice system that aims for you to re-offend, a justice system that doesn’t corporate with the patients.

Maybe my luck will run out, everything I try never seems to work, books on inner happiness, happy pills, yoga, sports, healthy eating, no drugs, no booze. I just seem to be going around and around and until i find my path in life, a strong guidance, a strong will-minded change in my mind. until then… i’m stuck with my darkness.